I don’t know what it is that drew me to Tumblr tonight. I’ve not posted since the beginning of January, and I wish that I was even the remotest bit kidding when I tell you that it feels like it was last week. I’ve never been so lost in anything before in my entire freaking life. Every day I wake up and try to plow through the intense amount of things that have to be done that day. It’s not enough that I literally have more than I can do in a day, beyond that I have even bigger things that are coming due that I’m supposed to be planning ahead to but I can’t seem to manage because I’m so focused on keeping my life together, keeping everything running. Officially, I am taking 18 senior-level credit hours that consist of two writing classes, two history classes, economics, and other fun classes. I am working 40 hours per week (even after obamacare, amazingly) between three jobs that I’ve been slacking on, but I have to slack somewhere. I have toured 3 out of the past 5 weekends with the touring drama group that I am technical director of, and I am executive director of a snl-type group that is way bigger and nearly as popular and does almost as much as the freaking S.A. on campus. And if that’s not bad enough, I may have a better team behind me this semester after some much needed restructuring, but I still end up doing everything from the main executive decisions, to working on the poster designs, editing the video advertisements after the videographers submit the first edits, working on the scripts, going to all rehearsals, sitting down with I.S. department on campus, the AV dept., the plant services department, and a million other things that are involved with a group and production this big. Nobody knows what goes into this because things like S.A. are all equally divided amongst everyone, and in this I do 80% of the work because nobody else either knows how, or I can’t find the right people. Not to say that I can’t do it… because I’m doing it and doing it well (something that I believe will be a great benefit not only on a resumé, but overall in life). I am surviving, but my health is suffering.
Due to having a similar semester like this last fall, and the semester before that even, I am so worn down that getting 5 hours of sleep feels like I didn’t sleep at all. I can’t focus, can’t think. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. When I said it feels like a week ago I wasn’t kidding. I stood in line at the pharmacy today for 25 minutes and I couldn’t believe it, I literally thought it was 10. My heart feels like it’s going to give out at any time, and on top of all that I’m fighting sickness from every angle. How can someone like me, a Type-A leadership results-driven overly-stubborn partially-OCD control freak manage everything like this? Most people wouldn’t have made it this far, or even close… but I’m long past bragging rights. I don’t want to be here… this isn’t some great achievement, this is hell and all I want is for it to be over because I’m so god-damn stubborn that I will likely die before I let things fall around me. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am today to watch it all fall away. I can do this, and I will do this.
This rant isn’t so much that I wish it were different…. because I don’t. I know that I have to be here and this is how things have to be. This is what I undertook, and like it or not, this is my legacy. I know more non-students on campus than likely any other student and I have more leadership experience coming out of college than some business executives with their MBAs do after 5-10 years in the field. That means so much to me and I KNOW I’ll need that later. The trick, right now, is to figure out how to survive today. I’ve learned that when life gets like this, all you can do is live one day at a time, one hour at a time, and live breath to freaking breath. I can do this. I Will do this, and when I get to the end of it, I will rise victorious from the ashes. Clutch.
On another note, I am taking a health class and for the first time ever, I am sticking to my workouts, taking all my health pills and what not, and watching what I eat and eating healthier. This is the first time ever that I’m noticing major results while I’m still actually doing the workouts and stuff. I’ve been talking about this for a long time, for 4 years in fact, but it’s actually finally happening, I’m actually getting to where I want to be. It’ll likely take me all of 2014 to get there, but hell… I’m on my way.
I’m glad I opened Tumblr tonight. For one thing I forgot why I had it… the images are second to any other site out there… but more than that, this is my home. Tumblr is the one piece of me that I can always just pull out of the drawer and fully reveal myself to. I lost some of that lately, and I fear in doing that I’m losing myself. I don’t want to be that person, and when this is all said and done I’ll look back on all of it and know that I survived not because I was capable and lost myself, but because I wasn’t capable but found myself and found power in that, and through that, prevailed. - So here’s to you Tumblr. This is my home. I’ve shared every deep moment (except the few I can’t yet talk about on here), every major event… I posted to you every day leading up to my wedding for a year, and I made a post the day of just minutes before walking down the aisle. I’ve followed you for the years after, and now you’re there for me when I need you most… when I was so far gone I was almost afraid I couldn’t come back… - Thank you. I’ll likely not be back again until spring break in a few weeks, but I Will be back then, and I Will be stronger because of the progress I’ve made through this post.
Now if only I could channel whatever just helped me write this in 4 minutes into that paper I’m supposed to be writing…..
Just kidding. If I was supposed to be writing a paper I would be doing that and not this -__-