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I don’t know what it is that drew me to Tumblr tonight. I’ve not posted since the beginning of January, and I wish that I was even the remotest bit kidding when I tell you that it feels like it was last week. I’ve never been so lost in anything before in my entire freaking life. Every day I wake up and try to plow through the intense amount of things that have to be done that day. It’s not enough that I literally have more than I can do in a day, beyond that I have even bigger things that are coming due that I’m supposed to be planning ahead to but I can’t seem to manage because I’m so focused on keeping my life together, keeping everything running. Officially, I am taking 18 senior-level credit hours that consist of two writing classes, two history classes, economics, and other fun classes. I am working 40 hours per week (even after obamacare, amazingly) between three jobs that I’ve been slacking on, but I have to slack somewhere. I have toured 3 out of the past 5 weekends with the touring drama group that I am technical director of, and I am executive director of a snl-type group that is way bigger and nearly as popular and does almost as much as the freaking S.A. on campus. And if that’s not bad enough, I may have a better team behind me this semester after some much needed restructuring, but I still end up doing everything from the main executive decisions, to working on the poster designs, editing the video advertisements after the videographers submit the first edits, working on the scripts, going to all rehearsals, sitting down with I.S. department on campus, the AV dept., the plant services department, and a million other things that are involved with a group and production this big. Nobody knows what goes into this because things like S.A. are all equally divided amongst everyone, and in this I do 80% of the work because nobody else either knows how, or I can’t find the right people. Not to say that I can’t do it… because I’m doing it and doing it well (something that I believe will be a great benefit not only on a resumé, but overall in life). I am surviving, but my health is suffering.

Due to having a similar semester like this last fall, and the semester before that even, I am so worn down that getting 5 hours of sleep feels like I didn’t sleep at all. I can’t focus, can’t think. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. When I said it feels like a week ago I wasn’t kidding. I stood in line at the pharmacy today for 25 minutes and I couldn’t believe it, I literally thought it was 10. My heart feels like it’s going to give out at any time, and on top of all that I’m fighting sickness from every angle. How can someone like me, a Type-A leadership results-driven overly-stubborn partially-OCD control freak manage everything like this? Most people wouldn’t have made it this far, or even close… but I’m long past bragging rights. I don’t want to be here… this isn’t some great achievement, this is hell and all I want is for it to be over because I’m so god-damn stubborn that I will likely die before I let things fall around me. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am today to watch it all fall away. I can do this, and I will do this.

This rant isn’t so much that I wish it were different…. because I don’t. I know that I have to be here and this is how things have to be. This is what I undertook, and like it or not, this is my legacy. I know more non-students on campus than likely any other student and I have more leadership experience coming out of college than some business executives with their MBAs do after 5-10 years in the field. That means so much to me and I KNOW I’ll need that later. The trick, right now, is to figure out how to survive today. I’ve learned that when life gets like this, all you can do is live one day at a time, one hour at a time, and live breath to freaking breath. I can do this. I Will do this, and when I get to the end of it, I will rise victorious from the ashes. Clutch.

On another note, I am taking a health class and for the first time ever, I am sticking to my workouts, taking all my health pills and what not, and watching what I eat and eating healthier. This is the first time ever that I’m noticing major results while I’m still actually doing the workouts and stuff. I’ve been talking about this for a long time, for 4 years in fact, but it’s actually finally happening, I’m actually getting to where I want to be. It’ll likely take me all of 2014 to get there, but hell… I’m on my way.

I’m glad I opened Tumblr tonight. For one thing I forgot why I had it… the images are second to any other site out there… but more than that, this is my home. Tumblr is the one piece of me that I can always just pull out of the drawer and fully reveal myself to. I lost some of that lately, and I fear in doing that I’m losing myself. I don’t want to be that person, and when this is all said and done I’ll look back on all of it and know that I survived not because I was capable and lost myself, but because I wasn’t capable but found myself and found power in that, and through that, prevailed. - So here’s to you Tumblr. This is my home. I’ve shared every deep moment (except the few I can’t yet talk about on here), every major event… I posted to you every day leading up to my wedding for a year, and I made a post the day of just minutes before walking down the aisle. I’ve followed you for the years after, and now you’re there for me when I need you most… when I was so far gone I was almost afraid I couldn’t come back… - Thank you. I’ll likely not be back again until spring break in a few weeks, but I Will be back then, and I Will be stronger because of the progress I’ve made through this post.

Now if only I could channel whatever just helped me write this in 4 minutes into that paper I’m supposed to be writing…..

Just kidding. If I was supposed to be writing a paper I would be doing that and not this -__-

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September 17, 2013 was the last post I made to this blog. I had committed to writing every day in 2013, and sadly writing every day was something that I had to give up. Since that day, the hardest semester of my life commenced. It wasn’t long after September 17 that i came down with a cold, that, although I was able to kick the majority of it by early October, I never really recovered from the cough I had until early December believe it or not. I guess when you’re never really sleeping you don’t have the chance to really get rested enough to heal, but then that was the story of my life this semester. 

I got into RC quadcopter flying this semester as a 10 minute distraction from the constant stress I was under… it was a lot of fun and although I didn’t really have the time to invest in it… It kept me distracted so I kind of needed it. - For Fall break I traveled to Texas with our touring drama group I produce and that was even more stressful, so I didn’t really get a break there. The rest of the semester was work, school, death and taxes and all that jazz. At the end of the day though, I finished strong and actually ended up raising my GPA a little, and maintained honors. I also pulled off the first semester of the SNL type show, but not without it’s hitches… but we survived. The things I’m learning about leading a group / organization though… It’s been incredibly educational. Still though…. 40 hours a week between 3 jobs, 2 separate groups I’m a part of, one which I’m producing and 1 I’m actually leading, plus 14 credits, a writing class…. it was draining on my health. — The scary part? Next semester I have the same thing except that I have 18 credits: 2 writing classes, 2 history classes, economics… I’m really trying to graduate in May so these are my final classes. I just don’t know if I can pull all that off when the class work will be so much harder than this past semester and I barely survived this and I haven’t even recovered going into next semester…. - On the upside, I learned quite a bit about delegation so I have the SNL show split up quite a bit so I won’t be putting quite so much into that.

Oh also, apparently this Obamacare thing is screwing me over. I make $1500 a month right now and that’s what we live on. It’s barely enough to get us by. - Well because of “The Affordable Care Act”, The university had to set generalized rules for all student workers. Because they want students to be able to work 40 hours a week over the summer, they set a 24 hour a week limit on all students during the school year starting January 1. That comes out to about a $600 a month hit for me! I can NOT afford that so that has been a shit ton of added stress to next semester. There’s ways around it (since I won’t be working past May and could thus work 40 hours a week between now and May and still be under a 30 hour average from January-September which is how the law is worded), so I have to deal with that and see if I can’t get a committee to give me funding since I want to work but can’t. That may be the only way we survive this semester financially. 

All in all, looking back at 2013, I don’t remember much of it. I had two INCREDIBLY hard semesters, and a short summer in the middle. I have myself so jacked up on work and stress that 2013 was a blur for me… and the first half of this year isn’t looking much better. This coming semester will be the hardest semester of my life… no doubt, hands down… but I think I can survive it… and when I graduate I’ll be on to employment and 1 job with just 1 set of responsibilities… and after 4 years of 3-5 jobs… I need just one. 

It’ll be a good year in that I have the chance to get things on track. I’m going cheeseless for the next 60 days, trying to stay a little healthier. I’m required to take one more class so I have a workout class two days a week so that’ll help a bit, and lastly I am trying Body by Vi shakes so those might even make a difference. Who knows? - At the end of the year though, I hope to look back happier with the year than I was with 2013. - It’s not that 2013 was a bad year, because it wasn’t. It was a good year, I just don’t remember much of it because I’m literally that stressed. I will NOT go through my life like this… so hopefully I can slow down a little in 2014.

On the upside, the best man in my wedding decided he wanted to propose to the girl of his dreams last night, I learned about it yesterday afternoon. - He’s been with this girl off and on for years, and we all knew it was right. - Anyway, one of the other guys in my wedding and I pulled together about $200 worth of fireworks, took them up to a snowy field place, and did a firework show. At midnight, we did one finale box and then he asked while we set off a ton of other fireworks for a few minutes and did confetti around them for new years. Honestly, it was a really awesome proposal and I’m really happy for them.

So yeah, that’s my 2013 summary, and my look forward to 2014. Pray I can survive this… because the light at the end of the tunnel is almost in sight… I just need to make it there ALIVE. - I’ll be sure to write again over spring break, although I doubt I’ll have time to write before then. I wish I had more time to keep up with this blog, but life right now isn’t allotting for that. Still though… I miss ya Tumblr… and I Will be back, if I survive.

Happy 2014~

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